Longing
by miamental
Summary: A series of drabbles about Charlie Weasley's life post-war - dealing with the loss of his brother, adapting to his new/old surroundings, and getting to know Hermione Granger.
1. Chapter 1

The first time you spare her more than a passing glance it's a few days after the battle and the whole family, what's left of them at least, are holed up in the Burrow, no one daring to leave lest the grief tear them apart and fracture the memories holding the home together. She's become Ron's shadow, following him from room to room in a way you think Ron would find irritating if not for the brief flashes of smiles you notice when he realizes she's there. She's struggling, limping up and down the stairs, wincing every time she turns too quickly, rubbing her forearm constantly in a way you don't think she used to but none of it seems to matter as she's everywhere you look, trying to help your family from falling apart.

She spends time with Harry so that Ginny can have a break, trying to convince him that he's not to blame for the pain that permeates every room, sits with Percy as he tries to find a way to feel like he's part of the family again, swallows her dislike of Fleur and spends time with her so that Bill and Ron can have some time together to grieve their fallen brother and you're filled with such a strong sense of longing that you almost choke on the sobs that well up in your throat. In this room full of family you feel more alone than you have in years and your heart hurts with the desire to be part of her sphere of care, for someone to notice the pain you are also in. You're pretty sure you should feel shame for coveting your brother's source of comfort but all you can feel is another clench as you look at her and well, you've always been an incredibly selfish man.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time you exchange more than a few words with her you're both sitting at the kitchen table one evening, talking about how muggles deal with grief. You can feel yourself drowning in bitterness, can feel it overshadowing every thought and action you've made in the last few months and you're desperate to try anything to get back to the man you think you've grown to be. It's there when you look at your older brother and his wife, working through his grief by starting a family, there when you look at your sister, trying to build a relationship with a broken man and start the same career you once thought was part of your future, there when you raise the concept of going back to work and your mum descends into an instant panic. You crave the isolation of the forests of Romania like an animal craves food or shelter but you know you can't run this time – losing a son may not have broken your mum but you are certain that any of the rest of them moving away will.

She's happy enough to tell you about therapists and meditation techniques such as yoga and while you're not sure how talking through your problems can help you diligently write down what she's saying. It's not about immediate results, you hear, it's about learning coping mechanisms for how to deal with your problems that don't involve descending into bitterness and alcoholism. "Avoidance isn't a coping mechanism?" you joke and while she does smile, you can see the depths of darkness lingering behind her eyes and think she's been employing that one as much as you have, as much as you all have. You want to ask, are all but burning with the curiosity to know what happened to her to leave her with such scars but can tell, even from a distance, how very, very private the information is. You're not friends, are hardly even acquaintances at this point and you've no idea why she's captured your attention in the way that she has but as you look at her trying to help you, you want to do the same.


	3. Chapter 3

The first time you try to help her you're in muggle London meeting up with Dean Thomas who promised to design something for her to ink onto her skin. You don't know what's beneath the long sleeves she wears, don't ask Dean even though you've heard that he was involved in some way and might know, because you just want to offer her some relief. When he asked you what to draw all you said was something powerful, something that exuded strength, and courage, and perseverance, and when you look at the phoenix aflame you draw in breath from all the emotions it raises in you.

Your therapist has suggested trying to replace the bitterness with something else, something productive that doesn't make you dwell and you're not sure how much your solution is helping but you're determined to see it through. You've become hyper-vigilant around your family, trying to spot anything that you can fix, any hurt that you have the ability to soothe, all the while fighting to push the bitterness further and further away. When that doesn't help and you feel the walls closing in, you escape to muggle London, spending hours walking the streets and trying to learn as much as you can. He's already cautioned you about dealing with your pain by disappearing into another world but what else are you to do? There's nothing here to remind you of your family, nothing to remind you of mischievous twins, of all the friends you left behind in Romania, of all the memories involving a grinning pink haired girl from your youth. The only thing in this world is you and all the places you've yet to explore.


	4. Chapter 4

The first time you hear the extent of what she went through you can do nothing but stare, completely and utterly lost for words. To have had to remove yourself from your parents' memories, erase your own existence as it were, survive malnutrition, stress, torture and still come back to stand for what's right, it astounds you. You were involved in the Order, fought in the battle, helped where you could but looking at the woman in front of you, you are intimately aware that it is not the same. You know you should have come home years ago, pushed through your anxieties and desire to be far away and comfortable – been there to help Ginny after her first year ordeal, been there to help out your mum when your dad got attacked at the ministry, been there to help Bill after he got mauled by Greyback, been there to help take care of everyone once they got moved to Muriel's. You should have been there but you chose your career and now, listening to her explain everything she went through, the shame feels like it could eat you alive.

You pull her into your arms because you don't know what else to do and your knees almost buckle with relief when she wraps her arms around your neck in thanks. You know that you're a physical person, known since you were little how much you've loved learning the world through touch, know how alien this form of comfort has felt to you since the battle and you nearly laugh with the joy of feeling right again. She thanks you and you want to tell her that she's the catalyst for putting yourself back to rights, that helping her is helping you just as much, but words have never been your strong suit so you just nod and her watery smile stays with you for weeks.


	5. Chapter 5

The first time you see her in your new place you can't help but notice how uncomfortable and out of place she looks. You've invited your siblings over to see the flat, given your mum another chance to see you off and all you can focus on is her expression as she looks around, frown settling in as she rubs her forearm. You're starting at the reserve in Wales in a few short weeks, moving back to the UK for good, and although you think you might have broken your mum all over again by fleeing the Burrow, you feel in your bones how much you need some of your own space. You've promised to come back three times a week, dedicated every Sunday to family dinners and still it's not enough and you're not sure there's anything left of you to give.

It's Ginny who answers your unspoken questions later that night, tells you about how uncomfortable she is in new situations, how anything outside of the Burrow and it's many comforts immediately remind her of the fact that she has nothing and no one left to her name and you struggle with wanting to reach out and hug her when your brother is standing not too far away. You know your sister doesn't understand why you've suddenly started caring, why she of all people has managed to impact you when most of your siblings have generally found you indifferent and you want to explain but find that you have nothing but hope that she can read what you find you cannot say. "You don't have to be scared," you hear, "you can talk to us, if you need to," and you start to cry as you feel your sister embrace you. You cry as you let her in, cry as you feel more than you've let yourself feel in years, cry as you feel your heart breaking with the weight of it all.


	6. Chapter 6

The first time you spend time together alone you're back out in muggle London, keeping her company as she gets the phoenix tattooed onto her forearm. You know that some of your family don't approve - Ron can't understand why she needs something tattooed on her skin instead of using a glamour charm and your mum doesn't see the value in hurting yourself for something like this, but every time you see the warmth in her eyes as she looks down at the drawing you can't find it in yourself to care. It's been Fleur that's been your most ardent supporter, trying to persuade your mum to leave it be, explaining to Ron the limitations of the glamour charm and how easily it can disappear and when you ask her why when even Bill has started frowning at your choices in his old age, she tells you about what caring for Hermione at Shell Cottage had been like and your respect for her grows beyond bounds.

You've done nothing but look at designs and talk about artists for weeks so when she tentatively asks if she could pick something out for you to get, you jump at the chance to share something, anything personal with her. She doesn't tell you who created the design for her but you can see Dean Thomas's style in the rough pencil strokes of the soaring dragon and your heart jumps at the knowledge that this will be something only the two of you share. You've given yourself a talking to about the amount of time you've spent thinking of her, of the amount of time you wish you could spend with her, but seeing the phoenix on her arm and knowing that you are the cause, it starts a fire in you that you know will never die.


	7. Chapter 7

The first time you run into her outside of the Burrow, you smile at how intertwined your lives have become. It's taken you months to come here, months of therapy, months of trying to work through your feelings and get up the courage to ask George to accompany you and you want to laugh at how none of you are escaping the coming breakdown.

You sit together overlooking the graves and you find yourself talking about Tonks for the first time since you left school, the rebel who had captured your teenage heart and soul. You tell them, with tears in your eyes, about how excited you were for Romania, how callously you agreed to go without thinking of Dora at all, how quickly your relationship deteriorated after that. That it took years for you to realize why she stopped writing; how sorry you will always be that she had to fight to be loved. She tells you how much she misses Remus's quiet presence, how willing he had always been to answer her questions and forward her inquisitive mind, how worried she is that she'll not find that acceptance anywhere else. You don't think either of you expect much from George and your heart breaks as he starts to stutter through what he wants to say – how tired he was of being Fred's keeper, of keeping his darker humour at bay, how much he hates that the only thing anyone can see when they look at him is Fred. You sit together and you feel your grief dissipate the longer you stay, feel closer to your sibling and old friend than you have in years. "We should take everyone and clean up the shop," you say, heart soaring as you take her hand in yours and sling an arm around your brother's shoulders, tears streaming down your face.


	8. Chapter 8

The first time you attend family Christmas since the end of Hogwarts, you're gripped with so much anxiety you wonder how you made it through the door. You've spent months coming up with presents, have reached out to almost everyone you've ever known and you hope more than anything that no one mistakes the effort you're putting in. Your therapist has expressed his reservations, has told you that it may seem like you're trying to buy affection instead of make amends but no matter how hard you try you cannot let go of the idea – you know no one has any expectations from you and you've no idea why it hasn't bothered you before but you're done with hiding away.

For Bill there's a box of as many muggle logic puzzles and brain games you can find to help with the nights around the full moon when he feels like his body is not his own, for Fleur, the location of a French patisserie in London to go to when the homesickness gets to be too much. You've asked Dean for sketches of your family from Hogwarts for your mum and paid him in supplies for all the things he's done for you, sent a letter of apology to Andromeda for how you treated Dora when you were younger but it's hers that's got you experiencing night after night of sleeplessness. You know you've overstepped your bounds when you asked Kingsley for this, when you explained why it was necessary, but as you lead her towards the memorial at Hogwarts, you know in your heart that you've made the right choice. And when she looks at the names in front of her and starts to weep, you cradle her in your arms and feel your heart beat increasing with all the things you know you shouldn't say.

_Daniel and Jean Granger, may they live in peace_


	9. Chapter 9

The first time you hear that she and Ron are no longer together you're halfway out the door before you realize what you're doing and feel so ashamed that you wonder how you'll face either of them ever again. You know your brother, have heard from most of your siblings and friends about how much he cares for those he loves, how long they've been dancing around each other throughout their school years, how adrift he must feel no matter how amicable the breakup. You've grown to know her as well, know what the Burrow and your family as a whole mean to her, can't imagine what the prospect of losing that must feel like and you're flooded with so much self-hatred for your selfish thoughts that you think you might be sick.

You invite your brother out to the reserve as soon as you can and grin as you introduce him to co-workers and dragons alike – you remember his excitement at the Triwizard tournament, how much he beamed as he introduced you to anyone he could and you're eager to give him some time away from it all, to find in the work the same escape you have even if just for a day. You desperately want to reach out to her too, have spent weeks coming up with countless ideas of what to do, how to show her that she's not alone, each screaming louder than the last all the things you know you absolutely cannot say. It's Harry who finally comes to see you to let you know how she's doing and you're so thankful to him for quelling some of the raging questions in your head that you forget to wonder why he thought you needed to know. "She needs a friend," you hear, and when your owl returns your note from Grimmauld Place baring a hello, you know you'll be in his debt for many years left to come.


	10. Chapter 10

The first time you get seriously injured at the new reserve you wake up to see your boss's grim face in the chair next to the bed and know, without a doubt, that it should be your last day there. You're a senior handler, have worked with every breed of dragon on the European continent for years, worked your way through more dangerous situations than you can remember and know that being too distracted to notice a dragon's tail is worse than a rookie move. "I know you've had a tough year," you hear, breath hitching at the wall of emotion the words bring out of you, "and you have never given me any reason to doubt your ability to do the work, Charlie. But I can't lose you and I think I might if something like this ever happens again." You look at your friend and for the first time in as long as you can remember, your thoughts come spilling out before you have a chance to stamp them down – that as shameful as it may be, it's not thoughts of your brother that have been filling your head. You talk about Hermione for what feels like hours and see Euan's face transform the longer you talk until you find your him positively beaming at the change in you.

Two weeks of medical treatment at the infirmary later and you're almost as good as new, the fresh scar on your hip notwithstanding and you're happier than you can remember at still being around. You know that you cannot continue like this, that the chances of you walking away a second time are slim to none so with Euan's blessing you find yourself in front of Grimmauld Place, heart in your throat and thoughts racing. You see her face betray its curiosity at finding you on the stoop, curiosity crossing into confusion as you try to stammer through your invitation to dinner and as you see the blush creeping across her cheeks and her shy nod, you know you've not felt this light in years.


	11. Chapter 11

The first time you do go out together it's a few weeks later and you pretty sure that any good feelings you've had have evaporated in the time since. You've reached out to what feels like everyone, asked Ginny and Fleur for suggestions on what to wear, reached out to your mum for help with an ironing charm, swallowed your pride and spoken to Ron to make sure it was okay with him that you want this and you've no idea whether any of it was a good idea. You're struggling not to feel crushed by the pressure of having everyone involved, trying and failing not to worry about the fallout of what happens if it goes wrong so much that you've attempted to leave your flat half a dozen times to no success.

You want to be able to see where this goes, how the two of you could work together, help each other but you won't deny that you're absolutely terrified as well. That this could fracture your family even more than it already is, that you're putting in jeopardy the progress that all of you have made in dealing with your grief, with your lives. You debated on where to go and what to do, whether to cook in your flat to make it slightly more comfortable, or share your love for magical creatures, or even whether to go somewhere completely unknown without any connotations at all. You think that you've come up with the right place and when you see her beaming smile and Dean's answering grin at seeing you both, you find your worries washing away. You've never been one for art, have not experienced much in the wizarding world apart from portraiture but you hope that spending an evening supporting a friend is a good use of time for both of you. And if you end up spending most of the night looking at Hermione rather than the art, well, Dean's always been too nice to mention those sorts of things.


End file.
